I graduated from the University of Tennessee on May 10. Today, May 22, I think I finally have the next couple of years figured out. It's been a long process full of prayers, tears, and God's timing. People have been asking me what I'm doing next year. Here's the short answer: Attending Carson-Newman and getting an MA in Applied Social Justice. (random, right?! don't worry, I've never heard of that degree either. Go look it up.)
If you're satisfied by the short answer, read no more. I don't want to waste your time. But for those of you interested, here's the long answer....
Fall 2012. I had known for a couple months that I wanted to get a Masters degree in Social Work. To me, it made perfect sense to attend the University of Tennessee! Why leave when I'm so in love with this beautiful city, have a wonderful church family, and have amazing friends? I even had three roommates to live with next year! Being the overachiever that I am, I decided to meet with a UT Social Work professor to talk about their program. After meeting with him I was incredibly frustrated because I knew that UT was not the program for me. I was terrified. But I began looking for programs outside of Tennessee anyways because I was convinced that the Lord told me not to stay in Knoxville. I told my potential future roommates to find a different fourth roommate because I'd be long gone by next year (and they did find somebody!).
Winter Break 2012. I found the perfect program: The University of Pennsylvania. It is the number two Social Work program in the nation, an Ivy League school, in the middle of Downtown Philadelphia, and one of the best educations I could possibly receive. What's not to love? I began my application during Christmas Break and began stalking Penn on Google Earth just so I could see how beautiful the campus is. I was convinced that this was where The Lord was leading me. It's incredibly expensive, but I figured I would get financial aid because that sort of stuff always works out when God is on your side!
Beginning of Spring 2013. All semester, I've been telling people I'll probably be in Philly next year. I don't even known if I'm in yet, but I have a good feeling. Over Spring Break I went on a mission trip with the BCM to NYC! I scheduled my admissions interview at Penn for that same week, so I hopped on a train and headed over to Philly. Side note: That was one of the most grown-up things I've ever done in my life; walking around a city you've never been to is slightly terrifying. Two weeks later...... TA DA! I got into Penn! I was so excited. It was like a dream come true. I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to attend Penn, but I figured since I got in, God was telling me I should go there. I was ecstatic, but at the same time a lot of pieces had not been put together... housing, financial aid, etc. I was still confident it would all work out. I saw Penn as a mission field- Philadelphia is a huge city in need of Christ and Social Work can be a very secular field. Despite my fears, I was ready to go.
April 24. On this day my $300 enrollment deposit was due at Penn. I had still not received my financial aid package from the University, but I thought maybe it would come after I enrolled. After all, I was told that 95% of students receive financial aid. It would be statistically crazy for me to be in the 5%. The cost of tuition was about $80,000 per year and there was NO way I was paying that or taking out a loan. The previous days I had played phone tag with the financial aid director at Penn, and I finally reached him on April 24. I asked him when I would find out about my financial aid, and to my complete shock he told me I had none. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I was bewildered. I thought God wanted me in Philadelphia. I thought He would give me something! Maybe just a thousand dollars?! But nope, I got nothing. That whole day I was in tears. I was heartbroken, but relieved at the same time. Somehow a weight was lifted off my shoulders; I think I knew all along that I wasn't supposed to be in Philly, but since I got in I kept trudging along. My entire plans shifted. I told Penn I would not be attending and now I had no idea what to do. Literally, no plans... and that is so not like me.
End of Spring 2013/Graduation. I seriously had no idea what to do next year. I already had plans to stay in Knoxville and work over the summer, so that was taken care of. Suddenly, a spot opened up with my original roommates (see Fall 2012)! It was too perfect. Before they could find somebody else, I made a quick decision to stay in Knoxville and sign a one-year lease. This was partly out of desperation and partly out of common sense. I already have a part-time job here in Knoxville, so if nothing else I would just continue working there. Every single day I questioned my decision to not attend Penn and stay in Knoxville. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I didn't know if it would all work out, but my God is sovereign. He knew all along that it would work out.
May 20. While I was at work, I was talking with some of the counselors in my office (I work at Ebenezer Counseling. Best counseling office in Knoxville, btw) about my future. One of them suggested a potential internship at a non-profit here in Knoxville, and another suggested I look at Johnson Bible (her alma mater). Johnson didn't have a degree that was a good fit for me, but I decided I may as well look at other schools in the area. As soon as I got to Carson-Newman's graduate programs, I saw the MAASJ Program and freaked out a little. I just knew that the Lord was leading me there. Everything about it fit perfectly for me AND they were still taking applications for the fall. I can go to school part time, keep my job at Ebenezer, and live in Knoxville because most classes are online. That night I submitted my application. I haven't been admitted yet, but I have a feeling I will begin classes in the fall!
Well, that's pretty much everything. I am so thankful for this journey because I've learned that God knows what He's doing even when I don't. I can blindly trust him during this time of confusion because He's sovereign. I'm so blessed to have a family, boyfriend, and friends who have supported me regardless of my decision this entire time.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
-Isaiah 55:8
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
.... Part 2?
I have a story to tell, and its way overdue. It's from my summer and one of my most cherished memories. I actually wrote this post in January but never published it.
Speakers Corner
We arrived in London on a chilly Saturday morning. We groggily sat through orientation/training that day, and happily went to bed that night. The next morning my team woke up and hit the ground running- no time for jet lag! We went to an area of Hyde Park called Speaker's Corner. I'm not really sure how to describe Speaker's Corner; it's unlike any place in the U.S. Basically, anybody from anywhere can go there and say anything they want (as long is it's not talking bad about the Queen). On any given Sunday, there are about five to seven speakers speaking at once while crowds stand around them discussing and arguing. Sometimes the crowds break into smaller groups of debate, other times they become one large debate. Muslims and Christians largely dominate Speaker's Corner, and the hostility is very clear. The best I can do is give you two YouTube videos to illustrate the atmosphere:
I absolutely hated every single minute of being there. The darkness swallowed you up as you walked towards the crowds; the oppression was physically present to me. As we walked up to Speaker's Corner, we all agreed that since it was our first day in the city, we would most likely listen to what everybody had to say and keep away from debating or shouting matches. That lasted about ten minutes. Before you know it, several men from my group were engaged in a debate with the imam in the second video. As they were talking, the man's years of expertise started to show. I seriously started to second guess everything I believe and wonder why in the world I am actually a Christian. I wasn't even sure if Jesus is the Son of God. (side note: I'm very sure of it now)
Then.
A random British woman with long blonde hair popped out of nowhere and began to talk to the man on the stool. As they argued, he commented that she should not be speaking because she was a woman. He meant to quote 1 Corinthians 11, but accidentally said 1 Corinthians 13. To set him straight, the British woman whipped out her iPhone and began reading God's living and active word.
Speakers Corner
We arrived in London on a chilly Saturday morning. We groggily sat through orientation/training that day, and happily went to bed that night. The next morning my team woke up and hit the ground running- no time for jet lag! We went to an area of Hyde Park called Speaker's Corner. I'm not really sure how to describe Speaker's Corner; it's unlike any place in the U.S. Basically, anybody from anywhere can go there and say anything they want (as long is it's not talking bad about the Queen). On any given Sunday, there are about five to seven speakers speaking at once while crowds stand around them discussing and arguing. Sometimes the crowds break into smaller groups of debate, other times they become one large debate. Muslims and Christians largely dominate Speaker's Corner, and the hostility is very clear. The best I can do is give you two YouTube videos to illustrate the atmosphere:
I absolutely hated every single minute of being there. The darkness swallowed you up as you walked towards the crowds; the oppression was physically present to me. As we walked up to Speaker's Corner, we all agreed that since it was our first day in the city, we would most likely listen to what everybody had to say and keep away from debating or shouting matches. That lasted about ten minutes. Before you know it, several men from my group were engaged in a debate with the imam in the second video. As they were talking, the man's years of expertise started to show. I seriously started to second guess everything I believe and wonder why in the world I am actually a Christian. I wasn't even sure if Jesus is the Son of God. (side note: I'm very sure of it now)
Then.
A random British woman with long blonde hair popped out of nowhere and began to talk to the man on the stool. As they argued, he commented that she should not be speaking because she was a woman. He meant to quote 1 Corinthians 11, but accidentally said 1 Corinthians 13. To set him straight, the British woman whipped out her iPhone and began reading God's living and active word.
As those words were spoken (shouted) I felt something I had never felt before. The darkness that suppressed the area was literally and physically FLEEING. At the mention of God's truth, lies from the Quran had nothing on which to stand. 1 Corinthians was completely irrelevant to the imam's argument, but he stood speechless for a moment. During that pause, one of our men shouted, "JESUS IS LORD!" Suddenly all the Christians began shouting and praising Jesus- it's like we couldn't contain ourselves! I don't care who you are- the Word of God is living and active and sharper than any double edged sword."If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Summer. (Pt. 1)
Ok, so I've been back about a month. And I've had lots of time to think about this blog post and how to summarize everything I learned in two months into a couple of paragraphs. Because I've discovered that people stop reading blog posts after they get too long.
So this summer I did some crazy things that I've never done before, talked to people I would never ever talk to otherwise, and learned a whole about the Creator of the Universe. Instead of making one super long post, I'll just divide it up into two parts. First part is the informational post- the who/what/when/how/why, etc. Here's a brief overview of the common questions I get:
Q. Hey, so, like, what did you actually do everyday?
A. Well, my days were spent between training and evangelism. Some days we would sit and learn about apologetics and evangelism, and the next day we would go out and put it into practice. Evangelism varied between setting up table to give out free books about Christianity and talking to women in coffee shops and parks. I loved meeting new people and being in such a diverse place! I was with teammates from different parts of the world- Korea, Finland, Bulgaria, Pakistan and Texas just to name a few. I interacted with over 30 different nationalities this summer- NEWS FLASH: Jesus is not just for Americans! About every two weeks we would have different teams come in for different programs; some people were there for 2 weeks, some for 2 months (me!), and others for 1-2 years!
Q. Woah. Was it hard telling people about your faith in parks and coffee shops?
A. YES. Yes it was. Like, really hard. Especially at the beginning of the summer; I would sit in the van and silently convince myself to get out and do evangelism, even though I felt like I was going to throw up. But it got wayyyy better with time! (More on this next post.)
Q. Did you love it? Are you moving overseas? Don't you miss it so much?
A. Yes. I loved it. I made some amazing friendships with people all over the world! No, I'm not currently planning on moving overseas (but its never out of the picture!!). I think two months was the perfect amount of time; I learned A LOT. And I loved being there, but now I get to come back to my wonderful UTK BCM family and teach people what I learned! That's the really exciting part to me.
Q. Did you go to the Olympics?!?!?!?
A. No guys, I did not. Sorry to burst your bubble. I went across the ocean to tell people about Jesus. Once I found out my free days, the tickets for beach volleyball and pretty much every other sport were sold out. Plus, Americans had to pay more for tickets... turns out they really are still bitter about the Revolutionary War. But we did have one free night during the Olympics and we went to a park with a bunch of big screens and we got to watch several different events with a couple hundred other people! That was pretty awesome; the whole city's atmosphere was the most unique experience.
Q. How did you find this trip? That sounds awesome!
A. Simple... I did my research! There are lots of mission trips out there. My personal favorites are sportsmissions.com and imb.org. And if you're a Tennessee BCM student, go to sendtnmissions.org :)
BONUS QUESTION FOR READING ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BOTTOM!!!
Q. You're a senior, right? What's your whole life plan? ...Oh, you don't know? Well what will you do next year then?
A. Next year I'm planning on going to grad school somewhere and getting a Masters in Social Work. Combining that with my business degree might help me somewhere down the road if I want to work in the administrative part of the non-profit sector. As for figuring out my whole life... God and I still have some work to do! And thats ok with me! :)
This concludes my first entry about my summer. Next time I'll share some stories about conversations and more reflections!
So this summer I did some crazy things that I've never done before, talked to people I would never ever talk to otherwise, and learned a whole about the Creator of the Universe. Instead of making one super long post, I'll just divide it up into two parts. First part is the informational post- the who/what/when/how/why, etc. Here's a brief overview of the common questions I get:
Q. Hey, so, like, what did you actually do everyday?
A. Well, my days were spent between training and evangelism. Some days we would sit and learn about apologetics and evangelism, and the next day we would go out and put it into practice. Evangelism varied between setting up table to give out free books about Christianity and talking to women in coffee shops and parks. I loved meeting new people and being in such a diverse place! I was with teammates from different parts of the world- Korea, Finland, Bulgaria, Pakistan and Texas just to name a few. I interacted with over 30 different nationalities this summer- NEWS FLASH: Jesus is not just for Americans! About every two weeks we would have different teams come in for different programs; some people were there for 2 weeks, some for 2 months (me!), and others for 1-2 years!
Q. Woah. Was it hard telling people about your faith in parks and coffee shops?
A. YES. Yes it was. Like, really hard. Especially at the beginning of the summer; I would sit in the van and silently convince myself to get out and do evangelism, even though I felt like I was going to throw up. But it got wayyyy better with time! (More on this next post.)
Q. Did you love it? Are you moving overseas? Don't you miss it so much?
A. Yes. I loved it. I made some amazing friendships with people all over the world! No, I'm not currently planning on moving overseas (but its never out of the picture!!). I think two months was the perfect amount of time; I learned A LOT. And I loved being there, but now I get to come back to my wonderful UTK BCM family and teach people what I learned! That's the really exciting part to me.
Q. Did you go to the Olympics?!?!?!?
A. No guys, I did not. Sorry to burst your bubble. I went across the ocean to tell people about Jesus. Once I found out my free days, the tickets for beach volleyball and pretty much every other sport were sold out. Plus, Americans had to pay more for tickets... turns out they really are still bitter about the Revolutionary War. But we did have one free night during the Olympics and we went to a park with a bunch of big screens and we got to watch several different events with a couple hundred other people! That was pretty awesome; the whole city's atmosphere was the most unique experience.
Q. How did you find this trip? That sounds awesome!
A. Simple... I did my research! There are lots of mission trips out there. My personal favorites are sportsmissions.com and imb.org. And if you're a Tennessee BCM student, go to sendtnmissions.org :)
BONUS QUESTION FOR READING ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BOTTOM!!!
Q. You're a senior, right? What's your whole life plan? ...Oh, you don't know? Well what will you do next year then?
A. Next year I'm planning on going to grad school somewhere and getting a Masters in Social Work. Combining that with my business degree might help me somewhere down the road if I want to work in the administrative part of the non-profit sector. As for figuring out my whole life... God and I still have some work to do! And thats ok with me! :)
This concludes my first entry about my summer. Next time I'll share some stories about conversations and more reflections!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Decisions
I have two stories to tell.
1. I went for a run yesterday. It was a fairly short run, much less than usual- it was more a leisurely run than a workout run. But about half way through, I stopped because I felt like I was going to throw up. Don't worry, I didn't. I wasn't feeling sick because I ate something bad or was pushing myself too much. I wanted to throw up because I'm nervous and scared out of my mind about leaving this country for two months and going into unknown territory and having no idea what is down the road. I'm not the type to worry, but this upcoming trip has been all I've thought about! But then, Philippians 4:6-7 pops into my head:
2. Today I went to Walmart. That place was a ZOO today. I've never seen it so crazy! I needed some big plastic bags for packing (BEST way to travel = roll up your stuff and put 'em huge Ziploc baggies), but Target didn't have them, so off to Wally World I went. After driving from Target to Walmart and waiting in line for about ten minutes to buy my one thing, I was walking out and I thought to myself, "Wow. I just went through a lot to get these stupid bags. These things better be worth it." And then it clicked! I'm going on this crazy mission trip where I'm going to be uncomfortable for 2 months sleeping on the ground and getting no sleep... is it worth it? Is JESUS worth it? Why am I going to another country where I could possibly be in danger?! Am I crazy? Right there, in the Walmart parking lot I made a decision. I am going to give my all to this trip and to Jesus. Because if I don't, sleeping on a church floor will NOT be worth it. If I'm faking this devotion to God and I just want people to see my "good deed for the year", I picked a really labor-intensive trip to do it (aka I should've gone on a mission trip in the Bahamas or something). So I'm going to make it worth it. Jesus is SO worthy to be praised and worshiped, and His Name is a Name worth spreading. Jesus is worth my summer and my life.
1. I went for a run yesterday. It was a fairly short run, much less than usual- it was more a leisurely run than a workout run. But about half way through, I stopped because I felt like I was going to throw up. Don't worry, I didn't. I wasn't feeling sick because I ate something bad or was pushing myself too much. I wanted to throw up because I'm nervous and scared out of my mind about leaving this country for two months and going into unknown territory and having no idea what is down the road. I'm not the type to worry, but this upcoming trip has been all I've thought about! But then, Philippians 4:6-7 pops into my head:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."Ok. It's gonna be alright.
2. Today I went to Walmart. That place was a ZOO today. I've never seen it so crazy! I needed some big plastic bags for packing (BEST way to travel = roll up your stuff and put 'em huge Ziploc baggies), but Target didn't have them, so off to Wally World I went. After driving from Target to Walmart and waiting in line for about ten minutes to buy my one thing, I was walking out and I thought to myself, "Wow. I just went through a lot to get these stupid bags. These things better be worth it." And then it clicked! I'm going on this crazy mission trip where I'm going to be uncomfortable for 2 months sleeping on the ground and getting no sleep... is it worth it? Is JESUS worth it? Why am I going to another country where I could possibly be in danger?! Am I crazy? Right there, in the Walmart parking lot I made a decision. I am going to give my all to this trip and to Jesus. Because if I don't, sleeping on a church floor will NOT be worth it. If I'm faking this devotion to God and I just want people to see my "good deed for the year", I picked a really labor-intensive trip to do it (aka I should've gone on a mission trip in the Bahamas or something). So I'm going to make it worth it. Jesus is SO worthy to be praised and worshiped, and His Name is a Name worth spreading. Jesus is worth my summer and my life.
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." (Act 20:24)After all, Jesus thought I was worth it.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Facebook.
Fact 1: I hate Facebook.
Fact 2: I probably spend at least an hour on Facebook everyday.
Why do I hate Facebook? Well, it's a recent development. I used to not mind Facebook, but that was before I realized how much I put on a metaphorical mask when I log onto Facebook (for more mask stuff, see previous post). On Facebook, I can be anybody I want to. People will look at my pictures and statuses and say, "Wow, this girl is great! She has it all together; look at that status she posted about how much she loves Jesus! And look at those pictures of her on the mission trip! I wish I was that cool." So I put up what I want people to see and in doing that I shape what everyone thinks about me. Facebook is the biggest and most public mask ever created. For example: I can't tell you how many pictures of myself I have untagged; if a picture of me looks slightly weird, I untag it. Can't let anybody see how I look in real life! Instagram (which I love to use) has become popular recently... why? Because you can alter how the picture looks. We don't like real life.
I was talking to one of my best friends about Facebook recently, and we agreed that it is a real problem, especially for girls. We have become so reliant on Facebook! People look to Facebook to find value in themselves. If I post a good picture of myself or a particularly clever status, I will admit that I'm on Facebook about twice as much waiting for a 'like' to affirm how good-looking or smart I am. How pathetic is that?! Especially when there's a heavenly Father who can show us how much we are worth- EVEN on our worst days that nobody else can see. And for people who post "my life sucks" statuses, they're looking for just as much affirmation and attention (something along the lines of: "no, you're beautiful!" or "OMG, whats wrong? If you're posting a vague status about you ex-boyfriend for the whole world to see, it must be important! Text me!").
I've almost stopped posting statuses on Facebook altogether because I'm tired of lying to the world. I'm tired of acting like I'm so happy and excited and feeling "blessed" about everything that happens to me. Really?! Is that really true?! NO. I'm a wreck most of the time!
...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about all the "masked" posts.
Anyways, I'm still on Facebook all the time. It's a problem and I realize it. I like to know what's happening and I like to know who's in a relationship with who, etc... It's really quite terrible. I'm trying to stop. This summer I'm planning on getting on Facebook minimally. I can't wait.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Eph. 2:8-10)
Fact 2: I probably spend at least an hour on Facebook everyday.
Why do I hate Facebook? Well, it's a recent development. I used to not mind Facebook, but that was before I realized how much I put on a metaphorical mask when I log onto Facebook (for more mask stuff, see previous post). On Facebook, I can be anybody I want to. People will look at my pictures and statuses and say, "Wow, this girl is great! She has it all together; look at that status she posted about how much she loves Jesus! And look at those pictures of her on the mission trip! I wish I was that cool." So I put up what I want people to see and in doing that I shape what everyone thinks about me. Facebook is the biggest and most public mask ever created. For example: I can't tell you how many pictures of myself I have untagged; if a picture of me looks slightly weird, I untag it. Can't let anybody see how I look in real life! Instagram (which I love to use) has become popular recently... why? Because you can alter how the picture looks. We don't like real life.
I was talking to one of my best friends about Facebook recently, and we agreed that it is a real problem, especially for girls. We have become so reliant on Facebook! People look to Facebook to find value in themselves. If I post a good picture of myself or a particularly clever status, I will admit that I'm on Facebook about twice as much waiting for a 'like' to affirm how good-looking or smart I am. How pathetic is that?! Especially when there's a heavenly Father who can show us how much we are worth- EVEN on our worst days that nobody else can see. And for people who post "my life sucks" statuses, they're looking for just as much affirmation and attention (something along the lines of: "no, you're beautiful!" or "OMG, whats wrong? If you're posting a vague status about you ex-boyfriend for the whole world to see, it must be important! Text me!").
I've almost stopped posting statuses on Facebook altogether because I'm tired of lying to the world. I'm tired of acting like I'm so happy and excited and feeling "blessed" about everything that happens to me. Really?! Is that really true?! NO. I'm a wreck most of the time!
...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about all the "masked" posts.
Anyways, I'm still on Facebook all the time. It's a problem and I realize it. I like to know what's happening and I like to know who's in a relationship with who, etc... It's really quite terrible. I'm trying to stop. This summer I'm planning on getting on Facebook minimally. I can't wait.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Eph. 2:8-10)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Masks
Alright, well its been about a year since I blogged. Oops. No time to catch up, lets just get right to it.
If you walk by the door and glance into my room, it looks pretty clean. Things are in order, you can see the floor, and every item has its place. However. When I walk in all I see is a mess. School papers crammed into folders, clothes stuffed into drawers, and let's not even begin to talk about how badly I want to vacuum my floor right now (it's been on my to-do list for a week). But if somebody comes in to my room to talk I can shuffle the papers around, close the closet door, and steer their eyes away from the little black pieces of intramural field turf all over my floor.
I can hide my mess.
And boy, am I good at it! But let me tell you, its exhausting... I live in my room. I do homework in my room and occasionally eat in my room. How am I supposed to keep it clean?! I'm constantly walking around my room trying to do little things to make it look tidy. But I will never have it completely clean. Never. Something will always be out of place.
So let me break it down for you. My room is a hidden disaster area. My life is a hidden disaster area. I have nothing right, I'm stressed about a million different deadlines, and I'm counting down the days till I can just go HOME. But I can so easily fool you into thinking that its all together! It's just a mask. An exhausting mask. I'm tired of it. It's time to tell the world: KRISTI IS A MESS.
And it's ok.
Because Jesus is the ultimate life-cleaner. He lovingly cleans up my mess and doesn't get mad at me for letting it get that bad in the first place. He gives me grace. I think it's time to stop worrying about making my life-mess look neat. And duh, that's hard because that mask has been worn my entire life. I'll be honest, I don't exactly know what taking the "have-it-all-together" mask off looks like because I've never done it before. It's scary. What will people think?! But I know that the freedom and rest I'll find in Christ will be a whole lot better than the edge-of-a-nervous-breakdown girl that I am right now. Well, here it goes. I'll keep you updated. (Maybe.)
All of this has been inspired by the book Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. Buy it. Now.
If you walk by the door and glance into my room, it looks pretty clean. Things are in order, you can see the floor, and every item has its place. However. When I walk in all I see is a mess. School papers crammed into folders, clothes stuffed into drawers, and let's not even begin to talk about how badly I want to vacuum my floor right now (it's been on my to-do list for a week). But if somebody comes in to my room to talk I can shuffle the papers around, close the closet door, and steer their eyes away from the little black pieces of intramural field turf all over my floor.
I can hide my mess.
And boy, am I good at it! But let me tell you, its exhausting... I live in my room. I do homework in my room and occasionally eat in my room. How am I supposed to keep it clean?! I'm constantly walking around my room trying to do little things to make it look tidy. But I will never have it completely clean. Never. Something will always be out of place.
So let me break it down for you. My room is a hidden disaster area. My life is a hidden disaster area. I have nothing right, I'm stressed about a million different deadlines, and I'm counting down the days till I can just go HOME. But I can so easily fool you into thinking that its all together! It's just a mask. An exhausting mask. I'm tired of it. It's time to tell the world: KRISTI IS A MESS.
And it's ok.
Because Jesus is the ultimate life-cleaner. He lovingly cleans up my mess and doesn't get mad at me for letting it get that bad in the first place. He gives me grace. I think it's time to stop worrying about making my life-mess look neat. And duh, that's hard because that mask has been worn my entire life. I'll be honest, I don't exactly know what taking the "have-it-all-together" mask off looks like because I've never done it before. It's scary. What will people think?! But I know that the freedom and rest I'll find in Christ will be a whole lot better than the edge-of-a-nervous-breakdown girl that I am right now. Well, here it goes. I'll keep you updated. (Maybe.)
All of this has been inspired by the book Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. Buy it. Now.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Ed.
Today I went on arguably my best run ever. I went through Tyson Park on Knoxville's beautiful greenways. I took the path towards Bearden today, a path I've never done before. As usual I listened to my "Jesus Muzik" playlist... it has all my Christian rap to get me pumped with the Spirit.
As I reached a fork in the paths I took a breather for some reason. Seriously, I usually don't stop when I run. Promise. But today I did. As Lecrae's song "Send Me" (one of my absolute faves) came on, I started thinking. Do I really tell God that I'll go? I was singing the song to my self, kinda praying and telling God YES. I'll go! So here I am telling God that I'll spread the Gospel and this homeless looking man on a bike rides to where I am, stops, and sits down. Umm... God telling me to do something? YES.
Not gonna lie, this old homeless guy looked a little scary. He was smoking something; I'm just going to hope it was a cigarette. I'm also out in the woods where nobody else is around. But God was seriously pushing me to talk to this guy so I did. We talked casually about the weather, what I was studying in school, and what I wanted to do with my life. Suddenly this guy starts telling me about some mean things he said to a friend yesterday. He told me he felt so bad that he called out of work today to find his friend and tell him he was sorry. So I told him I knew how he felt. I've messed up a lot too, but there's always forgiveness from God. I didn't get to share the entire Gospel with Ed... He was more of a talker than a listener. But before I left I asked him if I could pray for him. He was more than happy to have me pray with him. So we held hands, I said a prayer, told him I would be praying for him, and continued on my way. I'll probably never see Ed again but the simple words I said to him clearly meant a lot to him. As I continued running I pressed play on my Ipod and the words came back on:
Send me! I'll go! Let me go! Let me go!
Isaiah 6:8-10
As I reached a fork in the paths I took a breather for some reason. Seriously, I usually don't stop when I run. Promise. But today I did. As Lecrae's song "Send Me" (one of my absolute faves) came on, I started thinking. Do I really tell God that I'll go? I was singing the song to my self, kinda praying and telling God YES. I'll go! So here I am telling God that I'll spread the Gospel and this homeless looking man on a bike rides to where I am, stops, and sits down. Umm... God telling me to do something? YES.
Not gonna lie, this old homeless guy looked a little scary. He was smoking something; I'm just going to hope it was a cigarette. I'm also out in the woods where nobody else is around. But God was seriously pushing me to talk to this guy so I did. We talked casually about the weather, what I was studying in school, and what I wanted to do with my life. Suddenly this guy starts telling me about some mean things he said to a friend yesterday. He told me he felt so bad that he called out of work today to find his friend and tell him he was sorry. So I told him I knew how he felt. I've messed up a lot too, but there's always forgiveness from God. I didn't get to share the entire Gospel with Ed... He was more of a talker than a listener. But before I left I asked him if I could pray for him. He was more than happy to have me pray with him. So we held hands, I said a prayer, told him I would be praying for him, and continued on my way. I'll probably never see Ed again but the simple words I said to him clearly meant a lot to him. As I continued running I pressed play on my Ipod and the words came back on:
Send me! I'll go! Let me go! Let me go!
Isaiah 6:8-10
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